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Letter to Jack
Jul. 19th, 2009 04:06 amA letter from Rose to Jack... Slipped under his door.
To whom it may concern:
Jack Harkness is the most amazing human being I have ever met, and I do not say that lightly, because in my short lifetime, I have had the privilege of meeting a number of extraordinary people. But Jack shines brighter than all of them.
I met Jack when my life was going through a number of changes. Every day was a new adventure, and often I found myself stumbling around just looking for something to hold onto. When Jack came waltzing in with his coat billowing out behind him, we latched onto each other and didn't let go until circumstances demanded it of us. Jack was my rock, my best friend, and he never asked anything of me, even when perhaps he should have.
Our first parting was not a willing one, and I will always regret how things were left between us. He never knew how much I missed him, his laugh, his confidence, the way he could always turn the conversation toward something less than proper. He never realized how many times I would look at my door and hope that he would be the next to walk through it.
Even though he blames me now for not doing more to find him, that did not keep our friendship from surviving the rocky journey of our latest meeting. Regardless of the misunderstandings of the past, Jack has been there every step of the way for me as I grieved the loss of my fiance, and even more so when I was diagnosed with a fatal illness. He never stopped hoping and trying to keep me optimistic, and he never stopped looking for a cure. Even when I wasn't with him, I knew he worried for me, and there is simply no way I can ever repay the kindness he has shown me these past few months.
I got it into my head to try making this letter into something it wasn't, but when I got to that part, I just... I couldn't. It can't be something it isn't, just like I can't be something I'm not. This is a goodbye letter, Jack, and I'm dying.
The Doctor told me about the device. He apologized for it, but it isn't his fault. None of this is his fault. I brought this illness upon myself; I was told about the risks posed by the elevated levels of radiation, but I kept going, because I had to find the right universe.
I didn't do it just to save reality, though, Jack, and I didn't do it just to get back to him. I did it to get back to you as well. You probably won't believe it, because I know how bitter and hurt you still are about what happened, but I missed you. You meant every bit as much to me as he did, but I was so young and so naive that his brightness was all I could see.
After we left you behind... I thought so many times of asking him to take me to you. I never did because I didn't think he would have left you behind if you hadn't wanted it, that he wouldn't let you stay out there if you weren't happy. I'll never stop regretting that decision.
When my Doctor and I traveled together in our TARDIS, I looked for you. I knew it wouldn't be you, it wouldn't be my Jack, but I thought that just maybe if I found you in that universe, I could help you be happy. You were so happy with us, Jack, that I just wanted to see you smile like that again. I just wanted to know that somewhere, in some universe, you were happy. I didn't know about what I'd done to you, didn't know he'd left you behind on purpose. He never told me.
But I was wrong to never have asked. I am so sorry, Jack.
I'm dying. You can't hide from that fact; without the device, there isn't any hope for me. It's going to be slow, and it's going to be painful. But that doesn't mean you have to see it.
I don't want you to see it, Jack. I don't want you to remember me that way. You have a long life ahead of you, even if you never return to being immortal, and I don't want those images to haunt you like so many other things must.
I love you, Captain Jack Harkness. I never stopped loving you. Please don't be angry with me.
Rose
To whom it may concern:
Jack Harkness is the most amazing human being I have ever met, and I do not say that lightly, because in my short lifetime, I have had the privilege of meeting a number of extraordinary people. But Jack shines brighter than all of them.
I met Jack when my life was going through a number of changes. Every day was a new adventure, and often I found myself stumbling around just looking for something to hold onto. When Jack came waltzing in with his coat billowing out behind him, we latched onto each other and didn't let go until circumstances demanded it of us. Jack was my rock, my best friend, and he never asked anything of me, even when perhaps he should have.
Our first parting was not a willing one, and I will always regret how things were left between us. He never knew how much I missed him, his laugh, his confidence, the way he could always turn the conversation toward something less than proper. He never realized how many times I would look at my door and hope that he would be the next to walk through it.
Even though he blames me now for not doing more to find him, that did not keep our friendship from surviving the rocky journey of our latest meeting. Regardless of the misunderstandings of the past, Jack has been there every step of the way for me as I grieved the loss of my fiance, and even more so when I was diagnosed with a fatal illness. He never stopped hoping and trying to keep me optimistic, and he never stopped looking for a cure. Even when I wasn't with him, I knew he worried for me, and there is simply no way I can ever repay the kindness he has shown me these past few months.
I got it into my head to try making this letter into something it wasn't, but when I got to that part, I just... I couldn't. It can't be something it isn't, just like I can't be something I'm not. This is a goodbye letter, Jack, and I'm dying.
The Doctor told me about the device. He apologized for it, but it isn't his fault. None of this is his fault. I brought this illness upon myself; I was told about the risks posed by the elevated levels of radiation, but I kept going, because I had to find the right universe.
I didn't do it just to save reality, though, Jack, and I didn't do it just to get back to him. I did it to get back to you as well. You probably won't believe it, because I know how bitter and hurt you still are about what happened, but I missed you. You meant every bit as much to me as he did, but I was so young and so naive that his brightness was all I could see.
After we left you behind... I thought so many times of asking him to take me to you. I never did because I didn't think he would have left you behind if you hadn't wanted it, that he wouldn't let you stay out there if you weren't happy. I'll never stop regretting that decision.
When my Doctor and I traveled together in our TARDIS, I looked for you. I knew it wouldn't be you, it wouldn't be my Jack, but I thought that just maybe if I found you in that universe, I could help you be happy. You were so happy with us, Jack, that I just wanted to see you smile like that again. I just wanted to know that somewhere, in some universe, you were happy. I didn't know about what I'd done to you, didn't know he'd left you behind on purpose. He never told me.
But I was wrong to never have asked. I am so sorry, Jack.
I'm dying. You can't hide from that fact; without the device, there isn't any hope for me. It's going to be slow, and it's going to be painful. But that doesn't mean you have to see it.
I don't want you to see it, Jack. I don't want you to remember me that way. You have a long life ahead of you, even if you never return to being immortal, and I don't want those images to haunt you like so many other things must.
I love you, Captain Jack Harkness. I never stopped loving you. Please don't be angry with me.
Rose
